Memories
by InnerEssence
Summary: Sam's finding it hard to come to terms with her time on Netu and Jolinar's method of escape.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning**: This part does contain non-consensual sex so beware. If you don't like that kind of stuff please exit now. Thanks for the interest.

_The parts in italics are flashbacks _

As always feedback is much appreciated. So on with the show…

**Memories**

These days she spent all her time on base. Working, staying awake, and fighting the memories … someone else's memories.

She'd taken to consuming vast amounts of coffee, outdoing even Daniel. She hardly ever ate anymore, so it wasn't unusual when she missed a meal or two.

But today was different. The hundreds of calculations, theories and formulas on the screen in front of her did nothing to capture her attention. Did nothing to occupy her mind and keep the horrors at bay.

She found herself wandering towards the gym. Airman stood to attention as she walked past, she nodded in acknowledgement at first, and then gave up.

The room was empty when she entered, cold and stagnant. She watched her movements reflected on the mirror lining the far wall. Hollow eyes bored into hers, sunken with dark circles. She studied the form in front of her, reaching out, her fingertips lingering over the reflection. She looked pale her hair limp. She was thinner than she use to be she noted. A stranger even to herself, a shadow of who she was before Jolinar.

Abruptly she turned around plunging into a gruelling session of exercise. Peripherally she was aware of her frantic movements rushing across the mirrors. Sweat trickled down her back, into her eyes making them sting. Her black t-shirt clung to her body. Her muscles ached, breaths came in shallow gasps.

She pushed herself harder needing to feel the strain on her body. Maybe exhausted she'd sleep without dreams, without Jolinar's memories. Without thoughts of Martouf and Binaar, of tropical sunsets, Tok'ra tunnels, sordid affairs, sweat the revulsion and fear…

_She could feel his sweat slick body bearing down on her; his weight pinning her to the hard mattress._

_She felt his hands grope at her body, slip under her rags and fondle her breasts. She felt sick. Revulsion rose to her throat threatening to consume her. It was all she could do not to throw him off._

_He tore her clothes off her battered form; the flimsy material giving away with little resistance, leaving her feeling vulnerable._

_Above her she could hear his laboured breaths, feel his clumsy hands. His lips roamed her body trailing saliva. He pressed down harder against her, his arousal evident, pressing against her thigh._

_God what had she set herself up for?_

_All too soon he was pushing into her. God it hurt. He was too large, too hard, her revulsion and fear had left her dry, unprepared._

_He forced his length inside her, slamming in with each thrust, burying himself to the hilt. _

_He settled on a frenzied pace. Each thrust an agony. She felt as though her insides were being ripped open. He pulled out then rammed back in at the same time pulling her hips up to meet his thrust, in and out…_

Her movements matched her thoughts as her fists pummelled the punch-bag in front of her. Pain shot up her wrists, the feeling a welcome distraction. She held onto the pain focused on it and carried on pounding the bag in desperation.

She needed the pain a reminder that she could still feel, that all her feelings and thoughts were not Jolinar's.

There was a light touch on her shoulder. She turned intent on punching whoever was behind her, and then froze seeing who it was. She stared at her team mate, fist still in the air but the fury in her eyes dissolved

"Major Carter you must desist or you will injure yourself further", Teal'c spoke, his low baritone voice grounding her. "You must seek assistance, you are hurt."

For a moment she was confused as to what he meant then following his gaze looked down at her hand. She brought up her hand looking at the blood flowing from her grazed knuckles with detached curiosity. "I'm fine Teal'c."

In reply he tilted his head to the side raising an eyebrow a clear sign that he didn't agree. He waited for her to elaborate.

But she couldn't, suddenly she felt exhausted as the adrenaline drained from her body. She turned towards the door.

"Major Carter." She paused hearing her name. "Please allows us to help," he stated.

She couldn't not yet.

TBC…

Promise next parts will be up in a couple of days ;-)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Again the flashbacks are in _Italics. _I've sort of split this up into Sam's interaction with each of her team mates. So this on is Daniel's part, and as I'm sure you've all guessed the last one was Teal'c's. The final chapter will be her and Jack and those of you who are waiting for the shippy parts you'll get your wish. ;-)

She made her way automatically towards the showers praying she wouldn't bump into anyone who would try to 'help'. For once her prayers were answered, or maybe it was just the look on her face that kept people at bay.

In either case she made it to the showers without meeting even an airman. The locker room was deserted, which wasn't odd as it was Saturday and most people had homes to go to.

Once in the locker room she quickly stripped and made her way to the cubicle wrapped in a towel. She threw the towel over the shower stall and stepped in. turning on the faucet she increased the temperature to as much as her body could take using the heat to keep her mind in the present. The water pounded down on her abused body and eased her muscles.

But she couldn't savour the feeling. She needed to get clean, scrub away all the filth and grime from her days in hell…

"_Sam are you in there?" a familiar voice floated into the showers. She stopped her frantic scrubbing and looked up still breathing deeply. There was a note of urgency in her friend's voice but she didn't want to answer._

"_Sam we're just worried because you missed the debriefing. Are you okay?" Daniel asked a genuine feeling of concern evident in his voice._

Missed the debriefing?_ Had she spent that long in the shower? She just needed to get clean. She could still feel the dirt and sweat coating her body, she wasn't clean. She wasn't clean even though her arms ached from scrubbing and her skin felt raw._

_Tears of frustration were rolling down her cheeks disguised by the streams of water flowing from the showerhead._

"_Please come out Sam. No one's upset with you. We understand it was a tough mission, for us as well but especially for you. We want to help," Daniel's voice had moved on from concern to pleading._

_She didn't want their help, hell she didn't need their help. She needed to feel clean and she needed to put that whole mission behind her along with all of Jolinar's memories. All of it. The memories were not hers and the feelings certainly weren't hers._

_God, she thought she had dealt with all this after Jolinar had died saving her. She thought she had learnt to distinguish between what was her and what was the legacy left by the dead Tok'ra. _

_She could still hear Daniel's voice but it had lost all meaning. She also knew that he wasn't going to leave until she came out so she did. She didn't bother to dry herself instead she wrapped herself in the towel and walked out dripping water from her body and hair in her wake._

"_What do you want Daniel?" she asked her voice quiet but hostile. It didn't faze Daniel. _

_He looked at her with boundless compassion in his eyes but she didn't want it. It wasn't for her it was for Jolinar and what she'd done, what she'd had to do. Not her, it wasn't her who slept with Binaar in order to escape. But she felt like it was and she didn't need her friends to think the same._

"_Talk to me Sam." He took a step towards her but she moved back turning her back to him._

"_I'm fine Daniel. I'll be out in a minute." She answered walking to her locker a clear cue for him to leave._

_But Daniel was never good at taking a hint. "Like hell you are. Look at you. You've spent the last three hours in the shower. You missed the debriefing, been walking around like a zombie since we returned and you didn't even say bye to your father."_

Oh God, Dad. She'd forgotten that he was in bad shape after spending a week in hell, literally.

_Daniel's tirade came to an end. He hadn't meant to say all that, he knew she didn't need it but she hoped it would bring out some sort of reaction from her._

_He watched her back for any signs that he had got through but she seemed to have forgotten that he was even in the room. She let the towel drop letting it pool around her ankles and began to seemingly unaware that she wasn't alone._

_Daniel turned walking slowly to the door and paused saying, "Sam we want to help," before walking out._

_She walked back into the shower…_

The force of the flashback left her gasping for air. The now familiar urge to scrub was back but she'd be damned if she'd give into it again. That was two weeks ago just after the mission. She'd returned to the scrubbing after Daniel had left not stopping until Janet had appeared and forced her to the infirmary.

She knew she'd never stop if she gave in again so she ran. She ran out of the shower, with only enough presence of mind to throw on some clothes, she made her way to the surface.

Where once the mountain had been her sanctuary it now became her prison. She felt the need to get out clawing at her insides and she all but ran through the corridors, leaving the SGC without so much as signing out.

To where she was headed she had no idea.

TBC…

A/N: Pleeeeese review I love hearing from you guys it makes my day.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** okay this is turning out to be longer than I anticipated. I was thinking of doing just the 3 chapters but I decided to put this chapter in just to explore Jack's side of things a bit.

Again pleeeeeeese send me feedback. I love to hear from you guys out there.

She didn't know how she ended up outside in the numbing cold. Or maybe she did. She needed to feel numb and maybe then the graphic images flashing through her mind would cease to disturb her. Maybe then the guttural groans and moans would stop echoing in her ears.

As she sat on the cold hard ground she watched the day fade away. The sky morphed from the stagnant blue to something disordered; something a lot more chaotic and harsh. The blue turned grey. Dark looming clouds gathered above her.

A cold chill seemed to grab her and enfold her in its icy embrace.

When the first drops of rain splattered onto her bare arms she was oblivious; too wrapped up in her cold lover...

………………..

"Jack!" Daniel called before tumbling into his office.

Jack looked up from his ever multiplying pile of paperwork. The urgency in Daniel's voice seemed not to faze Jack. His face remained impassive verging on bored.

Jack had learnt a long time ago that when Dr Jackson seemed urgent it was usually about a rock thousands of years old. He felt that if the rock had waited for the past millennia to be discovered it could wait a little longer.

So when he looked up to face his friend he did so with the intention of calming him down before he gave himself a coronary.

"Jack, Sam hasn't been answering my calls," Daniel provided as he came to stand in front of Jack's desk. His face indicated that he expected that statement to explain his flustered entrance.

Jack was non-plused, "So?" he asked still outwardly bored. Still playing the slightly slow Jack O'Neill people expected him to play.

Jack less than concerned attitude seemed to exasperate Daniel further, "God, Jack are you blind or something? Sam hasn't exactly been herself lately. This Netu thing really messed her up," he paused and slowed down suddenly out of steam. "I'm just worried about her. Teal'c found her beating the crap out of a punch bag today and now she's disappeared."

He plopped into the chair in front of Jack defeated. "I'm worried she might do something stupid" he finished. That seemed to catch Jack's attention.

_He must be blind. He had no idea it had got that bad. Talk about burying your head in the sand. He so badly wanted her to be fine. Shit._

"Carter wouldn't do anything stupid" he argued. His brain smacked him the instant he finished. He knew what was coming.

Daniel exploded. He leapt from the chair, face a mask of anger. "Jack, you're such an ass. What do you think that she doesn't feel anything? That she's made of stone?"

"Look, Carter's always fine. She will be fine." He felt a need to defend himself even knowing that he was wrong.

"She needs you," Daniel changed tactics.

"No, she doesn't. I can't be there and she understands. Maybe more than I do." He replied quietly seeming to slump further into the chair, suddenly looking so tired.

"She needs you, Jack. What are you afraid of? And don't give me that crap about regulations. If you feel anything for her you'll be there for her." With that Daniel turned to leave. "Go find her Jack," was his last statement.

He'd said his bit.

TBC…


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**: SorryIknow this chapter is really short but I promise more is on the way very soon and its gonna be a lot more substantial. Thank you to all who reviewed it was all much appreciated and please keep them coming!

He would never admit to anyone but he usually found rain erotic. There was just something about the sound and feel of rain; it always put him in a passionate mood. It involved all the senses touch, sound, scent and taste. He could swear that the rain had a unique smell and taste one that was subtle but there none the less.

Today the rain was anything but erotic. It pelted down from the heavens in obvious rage and fury making sure that there was no one unaware of its anger.

And in this chaos he found her.

"Carter…Sam," he called. He approached her cautiously wanting to make her aware of his presence gently.

He moved down to her level and called her again a little more firmly, raising his voice above the howls of the wind. But she continued to look ahead lost in another world.

When he placed his hand on her shoulder she flinched making him pull his hand away as though he had been burned. But it had the desired effect at least she seemed to have returned from wherever she had lost herself.

"Colonel?" She asked hesitantly uncertain if it was truly him she was seeing crouched before her.

Relief washed over his face at hearing his name. "Yeah Carter, it's me," he assured reaching out to her. Sam didn't move away from his touch this time, instead she held on to the feel of him and the warmth that he was radiating. She suddenly realised how cold she was feeling. It seemed to have wrapped itself around her in a death grip and she shuddered.

"Cold." Was all she managed to formulate using her numbed mind.

"Yeah, I know. Come on we'll get you warm," he replied wrapping her in his jacket and helping her up.

As he bundled her into the front seat of his truck he wondered if he should take her to the infirmary, maybe she would be better off in the care of Doctor Fraiser, but instead he found himself driving towards his house.

He sensed this was something she needed to sort through to deal with without the whole of SGC knowing the torrid details. He'd call the Doc if she didn't improve. With that thought in mind he parked the truck, realising his seatbelt and climbing out.

He had been so lost in thought himself he hadn't realised that Sam had slipped back into that catatonic state he had found her in. she had made no attempt to get out of her seat. He took a deep breathe and walked around to her side of the truck. Getting her to work through the problem wasn't going to be as easy as he had hoped.

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

She hadn't protested when Jack bundled her into the house and all but forced her into the shower.

She stood under the shower unmoving; letting the heated water flow down her body in ribbons caressing her icy flesh. The steam enveloped her in a warm cocoon driving out the chill and washing away the numbness.

But the numbness had kept her from feeling, and with its passing she was once again acutely aware of the images lurking just under the surface of her psyche. A moment of weakness could take her back to hell. She couldn't let that happen. Not again, because if she succumbed she wasn't sure she would be able to pull herself back out this time.

With renewed urgency she left the confines of the shower before her determination faded. She needed to keep busy prevent the images from surfacing. The only way to do that was to work. Immerse herself in the science which had helped her through so much.

Logically she knew that it wasn't the solution but it terrified her that she was so close to breaking. It wasn't logic but desperation that made her believe that she could stave off the inevitable.

For the second time in that day she threw on clothes before rushing out of the shower this time bumping into Jack.

"Whoa. What's the rush?" he asked pulling up short of crashing into her with a mug of something hot in each hand.

"I…I gotta go back to the base. I've got work to do, there's an experiment I left running and that thing that SG-8 brought needs to be figured out, so I can't stay…" she finished lamely.

"Carter, nothing is that urgent that you need to go rushing back for. I've cleared it with Hammond you're taking a few days off."

"What! I can't!" she cried. Her one escape was being taken away and she felt the panic rise inside her. She had to work, occupy her mind. Why didn't they understand?

Jack watched the near panic grip his second in command. She seemed genuinely scared at the thought of not working. And he suddenly realised that she was a lot closer to the edge then he had ever thought.

Placing the mugs on a table he moved to her. He needed to calm her down before she hyperventilated. Sitting her down against the wall he kneeled in front of her. She was breathing hard, her eyes unfocused and her whole body shaking.

He'd never seen her in this state. Not with Jaffa on their tail, not when facing down a go'auld- or even when blinded and imprisoned.

"Carter! Look at me!" he ordered gripping her shoulders, trying to keep his own fear out of his voice. He needed her to stay with him. Know that she was not alone.

Her wild eyes met his calm ones and held. The panic seemed to recede slightly, lurking just behind her eyes.

"That's it Carter. Breathe in…and out" he soothed with a calm, firm voice coaching her through the breathing. Loosening the grip on her shoulders he moved his hand up and down her arms soothingly along with his words.

As she calmed he moved to sit next to her with his back to the wall. His head slumped back. He was still trying to work out what had just happened.

TBC…


End file.
